Faith is my Middle Name?

I remember telling someone when I was about 11 years old that my favorite scripture verse was Matthew 25:35-40. I remember it so vividly because the speaker at a youth service asked the audience what their favorite passage was and I raised my hand. He called on me and I stumbled over the words to the verses as my memory verse skills were below par (I ended up getting cut off by the speaker.) It was kind of embarrassing... But- thats not my point.
This passage talks about feeding the hungry and clothing them. It talks about taking care of the sick and visiting people in prison. It's a call from Jesus to treat others as if they were Him. Ironic now how my current job involves doing all of the above. In fact, every day I talk to people in jail and give them resources to food, clothing, health care, housing and the list goes on. It seems like I have never been closer to doing what Jesus asked us to do in that scripture... Yet- somehow I feel so far away from the person I have spent my whole life so desperately trying to imitate. I am doing what He called me to do but something really big seems to be missing.
I was reminded in church today what it takes to receive the Kingdom of God.. It takes becoming like a little child...(Luke 18) I remember much of my childhood and growing up believing with no doubt that Jesus loved me. I asked Him into my heart and I remember so shamelessly sharing with other kids my age just how much He loved them too. I trusted because I had no reason to doubt. I believed because I knew no different...
Well- times have changed. I've grown up under countless Christian leaders who have fallen into sin. I have had "spiritual" people chew me up and spit me out. I have developed this ability to think things through and question everything to the very core. I have been to numerous churches where judgment and condemnation seem to linger from the platform to the pews. My relationship with God has come under scrutiny as if it involved anyone else. I have tried and failed so many times I've lost my ability to believe that God will pick me up...again.
Everything I used to say "I believe" is now separated by my "want" for it. This stage of my life has proved to be difficult and frustrating yet the world keeps spinning and I wake up everyday with an open opportunity to love as Jesus did--only something so very big seems to be vacant through it all.

I haven't been this disappointed/angry/sad/hurt in a while.
I have forgotten how to deal with it.

I'm Learning

I'm learning...
that things are not going to be handed to me on a silver platter.
that no matter what happens to me in this life that I have a family that will always love me.
that thinking I have life figured out doesn't exactly qualify that as being true.
I'm learning to enjoy the simple things in life and not get caught up in the unnecessary ones.
I'm learning to let God fill those places in me that there may be lack.
I'm learning to praise God no matter what, who, when or where.

Its not my every day..

I love it when I can call a friend up and get off the phone feeling like Ive had a breath of fresh air!

Not Like in the Movies

Gah... I wish life only took an hour and 45 minutes to figure out...

900 Miles Too Far

I spent 15 years in the same house, in the same town, with the same people. I think understandably the desire to leave, to see and experience new things is what lead me to do just that. I spent three years in Springfield, MO where I met new people that eventually became my family away from my family. Immediately after graduating college I left for a summer adventure in Spain. Upon my return to Michigan I couldn't have been more pleased! I got to hang out with my family and it was wonderful. But not having a job was very stressful so when I got an opportunity to work down in Arkansas I thought that would be good experience. (I did have another opportunity at home pending that I could almost kick myself for not taking now...) Anyways... all this to make my point..
For the last almost four years I have been running away from the place that I need to be the most! With the people I love the most! I don't know that resigning from my job here is the smartest thing I've ever done- but at least I will be able to see my first little niece born. Going home means I won't miss my little sister's graduation from high school. Being at home means I get to see my grandparents who have been very influential in my life. Being home means I get to be a part of my little brother's life as he fights the hardest thing to have ever hit any of our lives.
I know "the grass is always greener" but the only reason I left home last time was because this opportunity came first. I don't regret coming down here but I knew from the beginning it would be a temporary move and I'm more than thankful for the opportunities I have had. But- I see more potential for growth at home. I see more opportunities for me to be productive and use my gifts at home. I have more people to love and more people who love me... at home.
I'm going home!!!
God please provide a job there!!!! I'm praying!!!

I Will Be Brief

So- I've done the "I'm gonna trust God" thing. I've said all there is to say to look like "sister spiritual." I've given all of the "right" responses and gone the distance. I've loved the unlovable, sacrificed my will for others needs. I have religiously given tithes of my time, money and every bit of substance I had left after that.

I've also asked the questions without answers. I've gotten in trouble in church. I've offended countless people. I've walked a fine line. I have thought too much and loved too little. I have had secrets and occasionally told a lie. I have put myself first. I have hurt those who love me the most.... I have told God "No."
I have done it all and still I find myself here. I'm back here again. It's like I'm tracing back over the line I've already made through the maze.

Right or wrong- I am but a little speck to that of the infinite universe. Still I believe that when God looks down at this rotating earth, past all of the buildings and trees that tower over me, I am one of so many that He sees. Even if my existence is less than a second to God- it's and instant in time He wouldn't take back. This split second was worth it to Jesus and no matter what I've done or who I am He will never second guess His decision to give it all if even for just a moment. And I believe He would do it all again.

Who am I that You are mindful of me?

Friends Are Friends Forever?

TD Jakes wrote in his recent blog "When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left... And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over."

Not too long ago I had a friend who significantly impacted my life. She made me laugh like no one else ever has. She encouraged me- we prayed together. We went to church together, to meals together, to class together. She was one of my closest friends... but now the only friendship we have is on a list on facebook. She walked away. She completely walked out of my life and on top of that away from God. The same girl who stayed up hours with me sharing testimonies of God's grace now stays up late doing unmentionable things that I don't even want to imagine! I loved her.. I still do love her. I'm not trying to win her back and I don't feel like I'm holding onto something that I shouldn't.. but maybe I am? I mean- what would my life be like if we were still friends? What would her life be like? Now? In 5 years? In 20 years? I will never know.. kinda like death I guess..

I have had other friendships come and go and although I have never forgotten them- the memories have faded and like nature, I recognize the need for change of seasons- for things to die so new things can grow.. But for some reason this one is different...