Yet another distraction.

I have put up Christmas lights, went and talked to everyone who is alive in Spence right now, facebooked random people, did some 'youtubing', thought alot about how I cannot wait till Christmas break.. all of these things while I should be writing a pretty important paper.
I'm trying to figure out if this is an analogy to how I live my life. Now, I don't really know. Up until yesterday I did not want to even think about graduation. It is inevitable of course, much like the writing of this paper, but why think about it when it is over 6 months away?
However, I decided yesterday that if graduating means I don't have to write papers like this anymore.. than graduating is what I will think about!
I turn 21 on the first day of my last semester of college.. I'm okay with that. I'm okay that I still don't have life figured out. I'm okay that I'm still learning how to love my savior, people and how to love myself. I'm content to know that I'm trying my best... and I love life because of it! (with the exception of this paper that haunts me!! ahh!)

Here's My Life

So..
I'm pretty sure I have the most amazing life ever. This semester is so easy. I'm only taking 13 credits and as of now have no job by choice. I get to hang out with the most incredible people ever every single day. I have been completely blessed with great friends whom I love so much. This year is already reaping some great opportunities in ministry and on campus. I love being an RA and having the opportunity to learn and glean off of the wisdom of my RD. I also love that I get paid to be friends with the most amazing people I have ever met. My little sister is here and I love her so very much and getting to hang out with her is just grand.
I'm in my second to last semester of my undergrad degree and I have decided to soak in every last second of it here at Evangel. I will never again get the opportunity to live in a community focused on building my faith while learning. The encouragement of everyone around me on a constant basis and the opportunity to share deep heartfelt conversations about my faith, dreams, and searching the purpose God has for me and my friends at 3 in the morning.. in a hallway painted of planets and stars.. yah.. after this year.. things are going to be different.
Thats exactly what I am doing right now. I am seeking after the purpose that God has designed for my life. I except the fact that God's ways are higher than mine. His thoughts are deeper than mine. His love is so much stronger than mine. I embrace this and trust that as I seek after His very heart and pursue opportunities He gives me that I will live in His purpose.
I also acknowledge that this life is not really about me. I don't want it to be about me. My ultimate desire in life is to serve Jesus and to serve others like He did. So as I place my dreams in His precious hands I know that He will guide me and lead me and ultimately give me that heart to help others whenever I can.

This Only Begins My List..

Life is so good when I choose to look outside myself. Things are so much bigger than me and my thoughts and feelings. This world is so much larger than my life and I'm beginning to appreciate that so much.
I want to see this world. I really do. The practical side of me wouldn't spend money or time on things like traveling, but the other part of me knows that I only live once and I don't want to waste one second rushing through life.
Europe would be my first destination. I went to Scotland when I was in high school and I fell in love. God made it so green over there and I don't think I can describe my appreciation for the beauty of it. I also fell in love with their culture and ways of life. Though similar to ours, they are unique enough to intrigue me.
I also love tropical places. The unique plants that grow there because it is the only place they survive, the crystal clear water that leaves the sea life in plain sight, the fish that fulfill my childish fascination with bright colors, and the adventures that are to be had with coastline stretching further than I can even see. I saw some of this when I was in Jamaica. I also fell in love with those people and learned so much from them.
I also want to see mountains and the natural beauty that God put in our own country. I want to have my breath taken away by things that I have only seen in pictures. I think seeing God's creation undisturbed allows me to find a new appreciation for how complex He really is.
Different cultures fascinate me. Different religions make me more confident in my God. Different scenery makes life interesting.
I want to see all this first hand. Just hearing about from others will never satisfy my desire to experience it for myself......

So, I'm learning...

Being broken is such a beautiful thing.
Now I'll just find rest in God's arms as He puts these pieces back together... only I'm hoping I won't be the same when things are all together again.
I am so glad Jesus always loves me. I'm so glad that no matter what I do or how much I lose sight of His glorious face that His grace welcomes me back.. time and time again.
I love learning..

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matt 11:28-30

Hear Our Prayer

Twenty years and He has never failed me. Twenty years and He has never even let me down. Twenty years and He has never left me alone.
I haven't always felt him and sometimes I wondered if He was really there, but this incredibly deep love that I have couldn't possibly be for nothing. Aside from doing all the "right" things and having conversations with others as if I have even the slightest grasp on the concept of my creator, I find a need for so much more. What I knew of God yesterday isn't good enough for today. Even though last week I loved Him so much, this week I still find myself desperate and longing to feel Him, to know Him, and to give Him every bit of who I am.
There is this song that was on Hillsong United's first album. I was around eleven or twelve when that album came out and when I listen to this song I remember the hours I spent in my bedroom worshiping to it. Life was so simple back then. I had no idea what the next 9 years would bring but I knew I needed the Lord right then. In those moments I found myself so hungry for Him. I want to love Him so simply. I want to trust Him like its all I know to do. I don't know what even next week will bring, but I love Him now like it doesn't matter.

Like a deer longing for water
My soul yearns;
Only you can fill my deep hunger
My heart burns
My heart burns.

Whatever's in Front of me, I'll Choose to sing Hallelujah!

I have had way too much time alone to think this summer.
So, I have decided to stop.

One of my favorite worship songs!

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord!
All of my hope, all of my strength!
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore!

I don't want to miss even one song...

Being away from most of my friends and my family this summer has made me realize the little things in my life that are so important to me. I want to cherish even the short moments that I am able to share with my family, to take advantage of each of them because they are the ones that mean the very most to me. I love and am so thankful for my parents. Being away from them at school made me start to realize how great they are in spite of the challenges that being a parent comes with, those of which I won’t fully understand until that day comes for me. And in the frequent instances when my dad tells me how proud he is of me, I also see the rewards in it. My parents are both strong people who for as long as I have been alive have lived their lives for other people. Material things have never been important to them, but rather, our family and the purpose they have in the Lord. This is obvious in the sacrifices they have made and how much they love us. I appreciate this because perhaps as everyone always says, its what has made me who I am. Their examples of this love, first of all for the Lord, secondly for each other, thirdly for our family, and lastly for the people in their lives that need hope and love is what makes me appreciate and love them so much.

The little bit of time I had to spend at home this summer has also made me realize how much I really love my brother and sisters. My littlest sister, Laura and I have become quite close. We have this word that we use and every time I am talking to another member of my family she asks them if I said it, as if this word signifies that I love her and only her. Being away has made me miss out on so many things in her life but this summer has made me realize how much I love being her older sister. I love being the one to love my siblings when we are having fun together and also love them even when they are on my last nerve. Time goes by way too fast and I am realizing how important it is to cherish every moment.

I write my life away...

Writing down your day is possibly the best thing for memory’s sake. It is amazing how much detail you can forget in just over a year’s time, but when it is written down on paper you can read through and relive those moments. Chelsey asked me once if I had ever had a black eye. I knew that I had one while in high school, and had even taken pictures of it, but for the life of me I could not remember how I got it. I contemplated that maybe one of my sisters gave it to me or that possibly one of the old residents at my work at the time had knocked me a good one. I had to lay the conversation to rest because my brain had not stored that information. A day late and a dollar short I found a journal of that day; I had received a black eye by opening my car door right into my face. A story of a black eye could get pretty interesting, however. I could have told a tale of entering a barn that was burning to a crisp to save a family of kittens, only to find myself dazed and confused by the smoke and running right into the very door that would grant me air. I could have possibly got that black eye by defending a poor helpless little kid who just wanted the yellow swing at the park. I may have been able to convince myself of these stories because that memory simply did not exist; instead, a paper and pen walked me through the events of that day.

The tell-all, open-book mentality I have always had has granted me the ability to express almost every emotion I have on a page of paper. Usually many exclamation points confirm frustration and annoyance, as well as eagerness and satisfaction. I use periods to demonstrate pauses in thought, and almost every journal entry I have written became a letter to God. If a pen and paper, or now, a keyboard and website can trigger memories that we thought were long gone as well as show readers a little deeper inside the mind and heart of who we are..then...what the heck?..Hence.. my thoughts...

It is interesting to me how God chooses to work in my life. I can beg for years and years for him to teach me something, be it servant hood, selflessness, self-control, or whatever other S’s you can think of, but it never happens quick enough. This is where my lesson of P for patience comes in. Evangel told me that my top strength is an activator. This “strength” causes me to want to get things done speedily and efficiently. However, it comes with a disclaimer of negative side effects, one of which is impatience. I am very impatient when it comes to most things. Like the Veruca girl sings in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory “I don’t care how, I want it now” I find myself subconsciously thinking the same way. However, this summer is teaching me to be patient with people, the most crucial aspect of my flaw. I’m living with my grandparents who have no reason to do things fast. They are retired and they enjoy each day as it comes. My grandma is possibly the most positive and enlightened person I have ever met, and as I spend some afternoons with her, listening to her insight and always encouraging words, I find myself cherishing that time with her rather than becoming selfishly impatient on the inside. The little annoyances that plague every relationship of mine are becoming appreciation for the differences in personalities and outlooks of each person in my life. Little by little I’m learning to wait on others, to learn from them and ultimately enjoy the opportunity to know them. Little by little I am learning to wait on God, whose clock is ticking with a different hand than my own.