Faith is my Middle Name?

I remember telling someone when I was about 11 years old that my favorite scripture verse was Matthew 25:35-40. I remember it so vividly because the speaker at a youth service asked the audience what their favorite passage was and I raised my hand. He called on me and I stumbled over the words to the verses as my memory verse skills were below par (I ended up getting cut off by the speaker.) It was kind of embarrassing... But- thats not my point.
This passage talks about feeding the hungry and clothing them. It talks about taking care of the sick and visiting people in prison. It's a call from Jesus to treat others as if they were Him. Ironic now how my current job involves doing all of the above. In fact, every day I talk to people in jail and give them resources to food, clothing, health care, housing and the list goes on. It seems like I have never been closer to doing what Jesus asked us to do in that scripture... Yet- somehow I feel so far away from the person I have spent my whole life so desperately trying to imitate. I am doing what He called me to do but something really big seems to be missing.
I was reminded in church today what it takes to receive the Kingdom of God.. It takes becoming like a little child...(Luke 18) I remember much of my childhood and growing up believing with no doubt that Jesus loved me. I asked Him into my heart and I remember so shamelessly sharing with other kids my age just how much He loved them too. I trusted because I had no reason to doubt. I believed because I knew no different...
Well- times have changed. I've grown up under countless Christian leaders who have fallen into sin. I have had "spiritual" people chew me up and spit me out. I have developed this ability to think things through and question everything to the very core. I have been to numerous churches where judgment and condemnation seem to linger from the platform to the pews. My relationship with God has come under scrutiny as if it involved anyone else. I have tried and failed so many times I've lost my ability to believe that God will pick me up...again.
Everything I used to say "I believe" is now separated by my "want" for it. This stage of my life has proved to be difficult and frustrating yet the world keeps spinning and I wake up everyday with an open opportunity to love as Jesus did--only something so very big seems to be vacant through it all.