This is Our Father's World

In my finite ability to understand an infinity powerful God I sit in wonder at His perfect majestic ability to create, to rule and to change. Not only the beauty He has created around us in the sky, the ocean and a sunset that could take our breath away. But watching Him transform a human heart right in front of my eyes is a beauty that simply cannot be put into words. I feel His presence in this. Its like I almost hear Him saying to me "Look what I am capable of." I am humbled at the opportunity to witness this and not only witness but participate in it.
My heart aches to give what I have and share what I know and to encourage needed change. There is little I love more than restoration and there simply cannot be a price on seeing the fruit of my labor. Waking up every morning knowing God is going to use me and laying my head down at night so grateful to be even a small part of what a big God is doing.
I am unworthy. I am unequipped. And I lack the ability to see the beauty of the whole painting. But some how I get to experience the peace that only God can give and a love that I am incapable of comprehending and on top of all of this, a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Humbled does not even begin to scratch the surface in describing how I feel.

Our Hope is Unchanged

I have been in Arkansas a few days shy of a week and have only been working for two days. These last two days have been filled with various emotions. In certain moments I've wondered why I came- I'm not near my family, friends, and these hours are absolutely nuts. Then I have an hour long conversation with one of the girls who is here because she is hurting, because she wants to move beyond her problems and ultimately fall into the very arms of Jesus. Its in these moments that I am thankful for this opportunity. To speak into her life. To encourage her through her battle and remind her how sweet victory really is. This is when it all makes sense. This is why.
We also had a banquet tonight and they played a slide show of the kids from the children's homes. These kids are here because their parents died, did not treat them right or abandoned them all together. My heart broke and I had to hold back tears as each of their pictures came across the screen. Knowing that most of these kids will never know the love of their parents and have to live with the stigma of growing up in an "orphanage". However, soon after I held back my tears for a completely different reason as their stories were told. Stories of triumphs, accomplishments, and hearing their dreams and what they are doing to accomplish them. They told a story about one of the girls giving her testimony to a thousand of her peers and proclaiming the hope she has in Christ (she will be attending Evangel next fall). They told another story about a girl who came here cold towards God and how she has accepted Christ and has done a 180 and has even attended leadership conferences and earned scholarships. And when they told us one of the girls couldn't be at the banquet because she was homecoming queen at her high school... I almost lost it.
I know I'm in America- but I can't help but keep thinking I'm on a missions trip. But- what a mission field these kids and young girls are. Those houseparents who take care of those kids are truly doing the work of Jesus and I admire it greatly.
Lord, always be my strength!!

Who He is.. and Who I Want to Be.

When I read the words of Jesus and seek His heart I can't help but to feel his love for people. And I know Jesus loves all people, but His burden for the lost, the lonely and those in desperate places is so evident in His words and actions. I love that Jesus didn't die beside a charity worker or an Assemblies of God pastor. Jesus spent some of His last moments speaking to a thief. And what about that time He saved that woman's life knowing full well she was guilty of adultery? And when He calls us to take care of the widow, the fatherless and the prisoner? I don't think these are empty words. I don't think Jesus was just "throwing it out there." The compassion in those red letters grips my heart. I know God's grace, I have lived in it for most of my life. I know His love because I feel it, and I can't help but to want more than anything for those prisoners, those with broken hearts and broken lives to know this grace and love. I want that burden to consume me. I want the heart that Jesus so well demonstrated for us to guide my thoughts and actions. I want people to know that God is on their side!

In Your Hands Forever

When I read back to even how I felt last week it just amazes me how things change! It makes me so grateful that my God is a solid rock, never changing irregardless of my sometimes out of control feelings.
Every single person at this moment in their life is going through a season. In fact, *"Seasons were God's idea."He created them. He designed them. Each one for a specific purpose. I'm responsible to have the right attitude and do the right activities during this season of my life.

*quote from the pastor of the church I went to last week.

Surely It Can't All be Uphill from here

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now. If I knew what next week would bring, or next month maybe sitting here in the very same place I sat before I "went out into the real world" would be easier. The truth is, I am scared. I am scared of never reaching my dreams, or of the fact that maybe I don't know what those are right now. I'm scared of never knowing love in all its potential. I am scared of failing. For the first time in my life I fear my future. Then I have a reality check... He's carried me all of my life. Through the best of times and through the worst. I've made it. I'm alive and have all of my limbs. No, things are not the way I imagined them. I'm not out changing the world today like I want to, and maybe the time I've had to spend with my little brother this week wasn't what I thought success would be, but would I honestly trade it for the world? The truth is, I know full well that even in those times when I feel so very alone- I am still surrounded with more love than I even realize. This is my life- I am going to do my best to make the very most of it. If it is alot of little things or a few big things- it is what I make of it and what I allow God to do through me. Its the constant struggle of trusting God with my unknown.. I want Him to win!!

Is it a Disorder?

Evangel told me my strengths but immediately after finding out my number one, very top strength they told me the weakness in it... Activator=Impatient. My whole life it has been one thing to the next. In high school, the bell used to ring at 2:46pm which left just enough time for me to go back to my locker, go out to my car, and be at work by 3:00. Anytime I have ever participated in or lead an activity, you can almost gaurentee if I had anything to say about it there would be little down time. If there is a task to be done lets do it now... this was my attitude. In fact, after graduation I booked my plane to Spain with only 3 days inbetween to finish my RA duties, drive home, and pack for my two month adventure. So- the waiting game I have played for the past month and a half has been challenging to say the least. I have complained only a little and done my best to have a good attitude.. but I met my breaking point last week. With no money, no job, and impatience being my top weakness, God decided to use this time to teach me a lesson. I spend day and night applying for jobs, praying for certain ones, and doing what I think to be the best.. but my best is not God's best. I will never do everything right nor will I have it all figured out, but what I do know is that God is stronger than even my top stength, so he is that much more strong in my weakness.
I am doing my best to be patient and put my hope in His promises. To trust that wherever I go and whatever I do He will be there with me...but...as I wait He is made perfect in and through me.

I have what I have.. but I'm giving it up.

I have once again learned this life is not about me. A lesson that takes looking outside myself and straight into the hearts and the needs of others. This is not the first time I have come across this "divine" revelation. In fact, God has had to remind me of this more times than I think He'd have liked to. I sit here, content, happy, and just full of hope... in spite of the fact that I have no idea what God wants to do with my life.. But I need to know... There is no doubt that my time in Spain changed me... My eyes were certainly opened to a world so much bigger than the one I've known for the past 21 years. My heart yearns to pour what I have and know into others. I do love being home. I find the comforts I have here refreshing..but...maybe not necessary.. I love my family and my friends more than words could possibly describe... but what if there are more that I'm supposed to love? I can't help but feel if I don't give my entire life to this destiny.. to this call on my life (whatever that may be) that at the end of it all I'll feel like Its been a waste... I have a burden.. I have a heart.. I have the capability... so.. I seek direction.. I don't know that this is an overnight process.. it may take time.. I may need to be patient.. But I know one thing.. If I don't fulfill God's purpose for my life anything I do will be empty and lonely.