Surely It Can't All be Uphill from here

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now. If I knew what next week would bring, or next month maybe sitting here in the very same place I sat before I "went out into the real world" would be easier. The truth is, I am scared. I am scared of never reaching my dreams, or of the fact that maybe I don't know what those are right now. I'm scared of never knowing love in all its potential. I am scared of failing. For the first time in my life I fear my future. Then I have a reality check... He's carried me all of my life. Through the best of times and through the worst. I've made it. I'm alive and have all of my limbs. No, things are not the way I imagined them. I'm not out changing the world today like I want to, and maybe the time I've had to spend with my little brother this week wasn't what I thought success would be, but would I honestly trade it for the world? The truth is, I know full well that even in those times when I feel so very alone- I am still surrounded with more love than I even realize. This is my life- I am going to do my best to make the very most of it. If it is alot of little things or a few big things- it is what I make of it and what I allow God to do through me. Its the constant struggle of trusting God with my unknown.. I want Him to win!!

Is it a Disorder?

Evangel told me my strengths but immediately after finding out my number one, very top strength they told me the weakness in it... Activator=Impatient. My whole life it has been one thing to the next. In high school, the bell used to ring at 2:46pm which left just enough time for me to go back to my locker, go out to my car, and be at work by 3:00. Anytime I have ever participated in or lead an activity, you can almost gaurentee if I had anything to say about it there would be little down time. If there is a task to be done lets do it now... this was my attitude. In fact, after graduation I booked my plane to Spain with only 3 days inbetween to finish my RA duties, drive home, and pack for my two month adventure. So- the waiting game I have played for the past month and a half has been challenging to say the least. I have complained only a little and done my best to have a good attitude.. but I met my breaking point last week. With no money, no job, and impatience being my top weakness, God decided to use this time to teach me a lesson. I spend day and night applying for jobs, praying for certain ones, and doing what I think to be the best.. but my best is not God's best. I will never do everything right nor will I have it all figured out, but what I do know is that God is stronger than even my top stength, so he is that much more strong in my weakness.
I am doing my best to be patient and put my hope in His promises. To trust that wherever I go and whatever I do He will be there with me...but...as I wait He is made perfect in and through me.

I have what I have.. but I'm giving it up.

I have once again learned this life is not about me. A lesson that takes looking outside myself and straight into the hearts and the needs of others. This is not the first time I have come across this "divine" revelation. In fact, God has had to remind me of this more times than I think He'd have liked to. I sit here, content, happy, and just full of hope... in spite of the fact that I have no idea what God wants to do with my life.. But I need to know... There is no doubt that my time in Spain changed me... My eyes were certainly opened to a world so much bigger than the one I've known for the past 21 years. My heart yearns to pour what I have and know into others. I do love being home. I find the comforts I have here refreshing..but...maybe not necessary.. I love my family and my friends more than words could possibly describe... but what if there are more that I'm supposed to love? I can't help but feel if I don't give my entire life to this destiny.. to this call on my life (whatever that may be) that at the end of it all I'll feel like Its been a waste... I have a burden.. I have a heart.. I have the capability... so.. I seek direction.. I don't know that this is an overnight process.. it may take time.. I may need to be patient.. But I know one thing.. If I don't fulfill God's purpose for my life anything I do will be empty and lonely.

9 Weeks of Pure Bliss.. sorta..

I love and miss Spain.
I also miss more than just Spain....

MADSpainRID

I find that the more time I spend here the more I like it. I'm the kind of person who associates my love for places with the people that are there. Lets face it, Springfield isn't that exciting of a town, but when I'm there with who I think are the best people on the planet, I sincerely love it. I find myself missing my hometown as well. Not because it has a plethora of things to do, cuz this couldn't be farther from the truth, but- because this is where my family is. So- adjusting to Spain has taken some time. But the more people I meet and get to know the more I like it here.
I have learned so much about myself through this experience. I have learned so much about God as well and I know that when I look at this little adventure in hindsight I will be 1000 times more positive than I am right now.. but staying positive for the next three weeks is my goal. I want to soak up whatever I can and learn whatever else I can. I believe God broke me a few times over already, and for pains sake I hope He's done with that.. but I know that each time I am completely humbled the best place I find myself is at His feet.
But- planning ahead.. When I get home I'm gonna get a good nights rest in someplace cold that has air conditioning. I wake up several times a night here suffocating from the heat.. this I will not miss. And- then after that I am gonna go soak up the beach with my sister. Then soon after that God will bless me with a great job that I will enjoy!!!!!! This life is good.

When You're Gone..

You know those people who come into your life and you have no idea how much of an impact they have made until they are gone? The ones that come around like 3 times in an entire lifetime. Yah- Well, I'm pretty sure I will never ever forget him...

Its weird when you can feel yourself changing. Like- all those things you don't like about yourself are just going away.. and even if you wanted to stop it (in a effort to hold onto what you know and have grown comfortable with) you cant. Its an effortless change that is unavoidable.