I'm not gonna lie..

I really have no idea how to handle this!

I Really Do Want You!

No matter how many boulders want to roll on top of me, no matter how many times I may be confused and take the wrong trail, no matter how many unwanted turns there may be, there is one thing I am completely confident in and that is the faithfulness of my God.
I use songs alot as examples for situations I may be going through and I intently listen to lyrics of songs and find connections with them. I love music and I love the art of expressing something lyrically. Most of all, I love using music to express my deep love and admiration to my savior. But sometimes when I hear songs that have lyrics like "You are all I want" or "all I need" I have a hard time actually singing those words to God, because I consciously have to decide if He is really all that I want in that moment. I start thinking about how I really want to get a good grade on this test, or how I really just need to clean my room. Sorry God, but there is alot on my mind and to be honest, you're not all that I need or want right now.
But sometimes, and it is in those sometime moments that I realize His faithfulness to me, He really is the only thing I want. In those moments I recognize that He is the only thing I need. I need to know He loves me. I need to know He hears me. I long for the comfort I find in Him and to sense His very presence there with me. I want Him more than I want to live another day.
I love these moments. I love it when I realize what is most important... to take a break from the constant "to do" list and just sit at His feet and try to feel the beating of His heart. I get so caught up in what my society tells me I need to do. I rush through things so that I can get to the next "thing" when really the only "thing" I need is to acknowledge the desire my creator has to be with me. To realize that those "sometime" moments are all the time for God. He always wants me to be His and only His, he always wants to be with me and for me to acknowledge His presence.
Even when I don't feel Him, He is there. Even when I don't acknowledge Him, He is there. But oh it is ever so much better when I realize it!

Sometimes it really stinks being the bigger person.

I think, therfore I am.

I will probably end up deleting this post later.
But I feel like writing down a few things that I think..
So.. here goes...
I think that birds of a feather definitely flock together!
I think that guys who are in their 30's and up and still work out are pretty cool.
I think that some people are really made to be together. No names.. but there is this professor.. and him and his wife had to be a match made in heaven.
I think it is kinda funny when you find out that quite a few people thought you were a couple with someone cuz you hung out in the lobby with them.
I think that it is really cool when I see people that I know in the Evangel adds in the TPE.
I think that Jenna.. the OA on duty with me has really cute shoes.
I think I need to fast facebook.. I get on it way too much.. or maybe I just need self-control.
I think it is sad that we have RA interviews during Mr. EU.
I think my current obsession with working out is quite fun.
I think I need to stop having senioritis.. at least for 3 more months.
If I think of anything else I will put it here.

I Believe..Even if its Just a Dream.

I write about this alot.. I know.. but it is something that is almost always on my mind.. mainly because it is so imperative right now. I have started looking forward to graduation quite a bit. However, only under the condition that I am able to stay in Springfield. I am simply not ready to leave this place and all of the wonderful people that I have been privileged to know and love. My class isn't graduating until 2010. My favorite friend in the whole world has signed a contract with St. Johns that will keep her here for at least 4 more years. I have other friends who have graduated and have also stayed in town.

Then there is home. The only thing there is my family. I love them.. but I do not have any desire to go back and struggle tremendously to find a job. Michigan's economy is the worst.. and I have a hard time even entertaining the idea of going back to that beloved little town of 1260 people. However, I can look forward to visiting that place that has a special place in my heart. And.. of course.. Probably one of the most beautiful things that God ever created... Lake Michigan!

But.. the police department here is not currently hiring.. and unless they pass this tax increase in June.. won't even be having an academy this year.
This is okay with me. I do want to do that sometime eventually.. but I will be just as content working for the state in other areas.. such as working with juveniles.. working in probation and parole.. doing social work things... My only criteria is that I will be helping people and it will be a place where God will be able to use me.
Ultimately, I want God's will more than anything.

Other positives to graduation:
I am going to spend 64 days in Spain. This is amazing and I love looking forward to that.
I am going to start making money.
I will not have to write long ridiculious papers any longer (Well.. until grad school at least)
I will be forced to face a fear of mine...growing up.
I will get to go put into practice everything I have learned here at Evangel.
I will get bigger and better opportunities to do what I was born to do.. love and help people.
I will have money to support a huge passion of mine.. missions.
I will have more time to get involved at church.. and to do things for leisure.. like read..and scrapbook..
I will dedicate some of my time to improving my skills on the guitar.
I will join the elite group of Evangel alumni.

Wow..
I think this step will take me right into my mission field, give me opportunities to pursue other things I can't at the present moment, and begin a completely new stage in my life. I can do this!

Because Everyone Else is Doing It...

Last summer I did an internship with a police department outside Detroit. It was 150 hours riding along with middle aged men. Some of them creepy, some of them weird, and some who I had way too much fun with. That experience made me realize I could never marry a cop..mainly because most of them were cheating or had cheated on their wives.. Anyways.. The traffic unit was my favorite. Those guys were real with me right off the bat and I have a sincere appreciation for genuine people. They made no effort to cover up their laziness and the easiness of their job. Some nights they wrote their tickets in a couple hours then ordered pizza and went back to the station and watched a movie. But these guys filled me in on everyone. They gave me the low down on anyone I had worked with and anyone I would. They told me about this one officer who was really preachy. He talked about his Christianity openly and made no secrets about his faith. However, this guy had an evident problem with pornography and was also very open about his attraction to other women, even though he was married with two kids and these other officers were very aware of that. To these men, this immediately discredited this guy. They probably would have been able to appreciate him and respect him had he not had this lust problem. There was another officer who told me he was a Christian. This was one sentence where he didn't use the f-bomb and a brief moment between his spits of chewing tobacco juice into his pop bottle (that was really nasty, btw!) You see, I understand grace and the obvious need these men have for it, but unfortunately, to many people in the world it appears as hypocrisy.

Of course, my faith too came up in many conversations. These men would ask me what the worst thing I had ever done was and the only thing I could come up with was that I toilet papered my principals house when I was a senior in high school (She was a good sport!) . I mean, I told them that I could be selfish and harsh sometimes and tried to show them that I have things I do struggle with.. but to them, they couldn't get past the fact that I have never used a swear word in my life. The down side of this, of course, is that I have never really felt like I had a testimony per say.

But..I have been thinking about this lately, and it made me realize the grace that God has on my life. As I was re-living some childhood experiences last night with some friends I started to realize that peer pressure has never been an issue for me. I was too stubborn to do anything because someone else wanted me to. My stubbornness has its downsides and those are always what I have focused on and tried to change, and rightfully so. But, maybe God is going to use this about me to reach people that others can't? I want to be real and connect with them, and through that my weaknesses may show through but maybe because the things I struggle with are so minuscule to people in the world, they will see past those and be able to see my savior? Maybe as I reflect grace upon them they will see the genuineness in that.. I sure hope so anyway.. because it would be really great to see God work through this weakness of mine and use it to somehow.. maybe?

At the Bottom of the Sea

The story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8 has given me complete confidence in the grace of my God. That grace that Jesus showed to that woman gives us a glimpse into His heart. He stood in the way of her condemnation. He was her only way out.
I remember sharing this story last year when I had the opportunity, through the jail ministry at my church, to speak to a group of women in the Greene County Jail. As I shared this, these women obviously in a pretty desperate place, listened intently as I read those freeing words that Jesus spoke to that woman "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Several of them fighting tears upon being reminded that Jesus would say the same to them. They faced a realization that Jesus took on all of their wrongs and sins, things that they couldn't hide from. They messed up and are living out the consequences in green uniforms, white socks, and brown rubber sandals. But nonetheless, Jesus' grace is the same in there as it is out here. I, myself, had to fight back tears as I too had this realization. I need God's grace just as much as each of them do. The only difference is, I can hide my faults a lot of times and I can easily forget how much I need Him. These women are reminded every day when they wake up behind steal bars that their only hope is in Jesus.
Another concept I have a hard time wrapping my mind around is that Jesus forgets my sins when I ask Him to. He doesn't even know that I did them. It is unfortunate that I remember each of them vividly. I am again brought back to these women in the jail. They are living in jail because of their sins. How could they forget them? But yet, some of them spoke up and shared their hope in the salvation that Jesus gave them and the mercy they have to live in. It is the only way they are able to function every day.
I want that desperation. I want to need Him to function. Just to get through each hour of the day. I want to embrace His forgiveness and live in it everyday. I also want that compassion that Jesus has. That I can see a beating heart and life worth loving through a woman's scarlet letter of adultery or through steal bars of a jail. His love is unchanging and unconditional. I want to mirror this!