I've done alot of things in my short 21 years of life. I don't regret most of it and that alone makes me feel accomplished in some way.
Still I know there is more. Still I work towards better. Until the day I die I want to be working towards improvement some how. In fact, if I'm not..I must be dead.
I read somewhere "If you're not moving forward then you are moving backwards."
So lets do this! Lets go! Tomorrow presents new mercies. With those mercies I can hope more. Those brand new mercies give me the ability to love more. Those new mercies are God cheering for me to win! He knows I can do this!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
This is Our Father's World
In my finite ability to understand an infinity powerful God I sit in wonder at His perfect majestic ability to create, to rule and to change. Not only the beauty He has created around us in the sky, the ocean and a sunset that could take our breath away. But watching Him transform a human heart right in front of my eyes is a beauty that simply cannot be put into words. I feel His presence in this. Its like I almost hear Him saying to me "Look what I am capable of." I am humbled at the opportunity to witness this and not only witness but participate in it.
My heart aches to give what I have and share what I know and to encourage needed change. There is little I love more than restoration and there simply cannot be a price on seeing the fruit of my labor. Waking up every morning knowing God is going to use me and laying my head down at night so grateful to be even a small part of what a big God is doing.
I am unworthy. I am unequipped. And I lack the ability to see the beauty of the whole painting. But some how I get to experience the peace that only God can give and a love that I am incapable of comprehending and on top of all of this, a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Humbled does not even begin to scratch the surface in describing how I feel.
My heart aches to give what I have and share what I know and to encourage needed change. There is little I love more than restoration and there simply cannot be a price on seeing the fruit of my labor. Waking up every morning knowing God is going to use me and laying my head down at night so grateful to be even a small part of what a big God is doing.
I am unworthy. I am unequipped. And I lack the ability to see the beauty of the whole painting. But some how I get to experience the peace that only God can give and a love that I am incapable of comprehending and on top of all of this, a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Humbled does not even begin to scratch the surface in describing how I feel.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Our Hope is Unchanged
I have been in Arkansas a few days shy of a week and have only been working for two days. These last two days have been filled with various emotions. In certain moments I've wondered why I came- I'm not near my family, friends, and these hours are absolutely nuts. Then I have an hour long conversation with one of the girls who is here because she is hurting, because she wants to move beyond her problems and ultimately fall into the very arms of Jesus. Its in these moments that I am thankful for this opportunity. To speak into her life. To encourage her through her battle and remind her how sweet victory really is. This is when it all makes sense. This is why.
We also had a banquet tonight and they played a slide show of the kids from the children's homes. These kids are here because their parents died, did not treat them right or abandoned them all together. My heart broke and I had to hold back tears as each of their pictures came across the screen. Knowing that most of these kids will never know the love of their parents and have to live with the stigma of growing up in an "orphanage". However, soon after I held back my tears for a completely different reason as their stories were told. Stories of triumphs, accomplishments, and hearing their dreams and what they are doing to accomplish them. They told a story about one of the girls giving her testimony to a thousand of her peers and proclaiming the hope she has in Christ (she will be attending Evangel next fall). They told another story about a girl who came here cold towards God and how she has accepted Christ and has done a 180 and has even attended leadership conferences and earned scholarships. And when they told us one of the girls couldn't be at the banquet because she was homecoming queen at her high school... I almost lost it.
I know I'm in America- but I can't help but keep thinking I'm on a missions trip. But- what a mission field these kids and young girls are. Those houseparents who take care of those kids are truly doing the work of Jesus and I admire it greatly.
Lord, always be my strength!!
We also had a banquet tonight and they played a slide show of the kids from the children's homes. These kids are here because their parents died, did not treat them right or abandoned them all together. My heart broke and I had to hold back tears as each of their pictures came across the screen. Knowing that most of these kids will never know the love of their parents and have to live with the stigma of growing up in an "orphanage". However, soon after I held back my tears for a completely different reason as their stories were told. Stories of triumphs, accomplishments, and hearing their dreams and what they are doing to accomplish them. They told a story about one of the girls giving her testimony to a thousand of her peers and proclaiming the hope she has in Christ (she will be attending Evangel next fall). They told another story about a girl who came here cold towards God and how she has accepted Christ and has done a 180 and has even attended leadership conferences and earned scholarships. And when they told us one of the girls couldn't be at the banquet because she was homecoming queen at her high school... I almost lost it.
I know I'm in America- but I can't help but keep thinking I'm on a missions trip. But- what a mission field these kids and young girls are. Those houseparents who take care of those kids are truly doing the work of Jesus and I admire it greatly.
Lord, always be my strength!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Who He is.. and Who I Want to Be.
When I read the words of Jesus and seek His heart I can't help but to feel his love for people. And I know Jesus loves all people, but His burden for the lost, the lonely and those in desperate places is so evident in His words and actions. I love that Jesus didn't die beside a charity worker or an Assemblies of God pastor. Jesus spent some of His last moments speaking to a thief. And what about that time He saved that woman's life knowing full well she was guilty of adultery? And when He calls us to take care of the widow, the fatherless and the prisoner? I don't think these are empty words. I don't think Jesus was just "throwing it out there." The compassion in those red letters grips my heart. I know God's grace, I have lived in it for most of my life. I know His love because I feel it, and I can't help but to want more than anything for those prisoners, those with broken hearts and broken lives to know this grace and love. I want that burden to consume me. I want the heart that Jesus so well demonstrated for us to guide my thoughts and actions. I want people to know that God is on their side!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
In Your Hands Forever
When I read back to even how I felt last week it just amazes me how things change! It makes me so grateful that my God is a solid rock, never changing irregardless of my sometimes out of control feelings.
Every single person at this moment in their life is going through a season. In fact, *"Seasons were God's idea."He created them. He designed them. Each one for a specific purpose. I'm responsible to have the right attitude and do the right activities during this season of my life.
*quote from the pastor of the church I went to last week.
Every single person at this moment in their life is going through a season. In fact, *"Seasons were God's idea."He created them. He designed them. Each one for a specific purpose. I'm responsible to have the right attitude and do the right activities during this season of my life.
*quote from the pastor of the church I went to last week.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Surely It Can't All be Uphill from here
There is so much uncertainty in my life right now. If I knew what next week would bring, or next month maybe sitting here in the very same place I sat before I "went out into the real world" would be easier. The truth is, I am scared. I am scared of never reaching my dreams, or of the fact that maybe I don't know what those are right now. I'm scared of never knowing love in all its potential. I am scared of failing. For the first time in my life I fear my future. Then I have a reality check... He's carried me all of my life. Through the best of times and through the worst. I've made it. I'm alive and have all of my limbs. No, things are not the way I imagined them. I'm not out changing the world today like I want to, and maybe the time I've had to spend with my little brother this week wasn't what I thought success would be, but would I honestly trade it for the world? The truth is, I know full well that even in those times when I feel so very alone- I am still surrounded with more love than I even realize. This is my life- I am going to do my best to make the very most of it. If it is alot of little things or a few big things- it is what I make of it and what I allow God to do through me. Its the constant struggle of trusting God with my unknown.. I want Him to win!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Is it a Disorder?
Evangel told me my strengths but immediately after finding out my number one, very top strength they told me the weakness in it... Activator=Impatient. My whole life it has been one thing to the next. In high school, the bell used to ring at 2:46pm which left just enough time for me to go back to my locker, go out to my car, and be at work by 3:00. Anytime I have ever participated in or lead an activity, you can almost gaurentee if I had anything to say about it there would be little down time. If there is a task to be done lets do it now... this was my attitude. In fact, after graduation I booked my plane to Spain with only 3 days inbetween to finish my RA duties, drive home, and pack for my two month adventure. So- the waiting game I have played for the past month and a half has been challenging to say the least. I have complained only a little and done my best to have a good attitude.. but I met my breaking point last week. With no money, no job, and impatience being my top weakness, God decided to use this time to teach me a lesson. I spend day and night applying for jobs, praying for certain ones, and doing what I think to be the best.. but my best is not God's best. I will never do everything right nor will I have it all figured out, but what I do know is that God is stronger than even my top stength, so he is that much more strong in my weakness.
I am doing my best to be patient and put my hope in His promises. To trust that wherever I go and whatever I do He will be there with me...but...as I wait He is made perfect in and through me.
I am doing my best to be patient and put my hope in His promises. To trust that wherever I go and whatever I do He will be there with me...but...as I wait He is made perfect in and through me.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I have what I have.. but I'm giving it up.
I have once again learned this life is not about me. A lesson that takes looking outside myself and straight into the hearts and the needs of others. This is not the first time I have come across this "divine" revelation. In fact, God has had to remind me of this more times than I think He'd have liked to. I sit here, content, happy, and just full of hope... in spite of the fact that I have no idea what God wants to do with my life.. But I need to know... There is no doubt that my time in Spain changed me... My eyes were certainly opened to a world so much bigger than the one I've known for the past 21 years. My heart yearns to pour what I have and know into others. I do love being home. I find the comforts I have here refreshing..but...maybe not necessary.. I love my family and my friends more than words could possibly describe... but what if there are more that I'm supposed to love? I can't help but feel if I don't give my entire life to this destiny.. to this call on my life (whatever that may be) that at the end of it all I'll feel like Its been a waste... I have a burden.. I have a heart.. I have the capability... so.. I seek direction.. I don't know that this is an overnight process.. it may take time.. I may need to be patient.. But I know one thing.. If I don't fulfill God's purpose for my life anything I do will be empty and lonely.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
MADSpainRID
I find that the more time I spend here the more I like it. I'm the kind of person who associates my love for places with the people that are there. Lets face it, Springfield isn't that exciting of a town, but when I'm there with who I think are the best people on the planet, I sincerely love it. I find myself missing my hometown as well. Not because it has a plethora of things to do, cuz this couldn't be farther from the truth, but- because this is where my family is. So- adjusting to Spain has taken some time. But the more people I meet and get to know the more I like it here.
I have learned so much about myself through this experience. I have learned so much about God as well and I know that when I look at this little adventure in hindsight I will be 1000 times more positive than I am right now.. but staying positive for the next three weeks is my goal. I want to soak up whatever I can and learn whatever else I can. I believe God broke me a few times over already, and for pains sake I hope He's done with that.. but I know that each time I am completely humbled the best place I find myself is at His feet.
But- planning ahead.. When I get home I'm gonna get a good nights rest in someplace cold that has air conditioning. I wake up several times a night here suffocating from the heat.. this I will not miss. And- then after that I am gonna go soak up the beach with my sister. Then soon after that God will bless me with a great job that I will enjoy!!!!!! This life is good.
I have learned so much about myself through this experience. I have learned so much about God as well and I know that when I look at this little adventure in hindsight I will be 1000 times more positive than I am right now.. but staying positive for the next three weeks is my goal. I want to soak up whatever I can and learn whatever else I can. I believe God broke me a few times over already, and for pains sake I hope He's done with that.. but I know that each time I am completely humbled the best place I find myself is at His feet.
But- planning ahead.. When I get home I'm gonna get a good nights rest in someplace cold that has air conditioning. I wake up several times a night here suffocating from the heat.. this I will not miss. And- then after that I am gonna go soak up the beach with my sister. Then soon after that God will bless me with a great job that I will enjoy!!!!!! This life is good.
Monday, June 15, 2009
When You're Gone..
You know those people who come into your life and you have no idea how much of an impact they have made until they are gone? The ones that come around like 3 times in an entire lifetime. Yah- Well, I'm pretty sure I will never ever forget him...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
He's see's what is.. and what can be!
It really is amazing how God puts people in your life to help show you things.. How a little compassion can really break a person..
It is also incredible how a tragedy can change your perspective on the people around you and on God.. I have not been honest with God and if I can't be honest with Him then who can I be honest with? I mean- so yeah- being honest may not be saying things that are always right or the proper "church lingo" but if He's a real God and I am real person we can have a real relationship.. David said a lot of things that weren't right in his attempt to seek the heart of God.. but I think thats where we grow so much is when God uses our ignorance to remind us that His thoughts are so much higher than ours! He can make the worst thing in our lives turn out to be something that brings Him glory.. I am still waiting for this to happen..But.. He is there with us the whole way.. He wants to see us overcome and I believe He's rooting for him to win thi
s!
It is also incredible how a tragedy can change your perspective on the people around you and on God.. I have not been honest with God and if I can't be honest with Him then who can I be honest with? I mean- so yeah- being honest may not be saying things that are always right or the proper "church lingo" but if He's a real God and I am real person we can have a real relationship.. David said a lot of things that weren't right in his attempt to seek the heart of God.. but I think thats where we grow so much is when God uses our ignorance to remind us that His thoughts are so much higher than ours! He can make the worst thing in our lives turn out to be something that brings Him glory.. I am still waiting for this to happen..But.. He is there with us the whole way.. He wants to see us overcome and I believe He's rooting for him to win thi
s!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Neuvo Mundo!
Some Thoughts/Experiences after being in Madrid for quite near a week:
(I want to look back and see how different I may feel or the other experiences I have by the end of my two months here :)
1. I have alot more compassion for people who go to a new country where they do not speak the language! Seriously! This is the most frustrating thing! I mine as well just be deaf sometimes..haha.. Communicating is of very high importance to me and not being able to is a challenging experience! Especially when people here are so very friendly!!!
2. Everything seems to be prettier in European countries.
3. Madrid has a lot of AG missionaries.. I think this makes it more fun!
4. European MK's have it pretty nice :)
5. Food can look the same as in America.. but it does not taste the same!
6. I learn an average of 10 Spanish words a day.. this makes my life easier:)
7. After day 6 I still have 57 more days to soak this experience up!
8. People here are desperate for God!
9. The method these missionaries use to evangelize is one that I am getting used to..
10. I have never, in 21 years, had to figure out a subway system.. where better a place than in a country where I can't even ask people for help?
11. I love real, genuine people!
12. Spaniards greet people with a kiss on each cheek.. that has taken some getting used to!
13. So far I feel no deep calling to foreign missions.... Bring on America!!!
14. Flavored coffee is a foreign concept to the dear people of Spain.
15. I pulled out 200 Euro's today.. this equaled $270 in The US.
16. Israel is currently friends of America (so I learned after meeting 2 Israelis on the Metra tonight)
17. Their idea of tortillas are a little different than mine.. but they are yummy just the same!:)
18. I love watching little Spanish birdies take baths in the fountains!
19. I am totally out of my comfort zone.. but... Spain is growing on me!!!!!!
(I want to look back and see how different I may feel or the other experiences I have by the end of my two months here :)
1. I have alot more compassion for people who go to a new country where they do not speak the language! Seriously! This is the most frustrating thing! I mine as well just be deaf sometimes..haha.. Communicating is of very high importance to me and not being able to is a challenging experience! Especially when people here are so very friendly!!!
2. Everything seems to be prettier in European countries.
3. Madrid has a lot of AG missionaries.. I think this makes it more fun!
4. European MK's have it pretty nice :)
5. Food can look the same as in America.. but it does not taste the same!
6. I learn an average of 10 Spanish words a day.. this makes my life easier:)
7. After day 6 I still have 57 more days to soak this experience up!
8. People here are desperate for God!
9. The method these missionaries use to evangelize is one that I am getting used to..
10. I have never, in 21 years, had to figure out a subway system.. where better a place than in a country where I can't even ask people for help?
11. I love real, genuine people!
12. Spaniards greet people with a kiss on each cheek.. that has taken some getting used to!
13. So far I feel no deep calling to foreign missions.... Bring on America!!!
14. Flavored coffee is a foreign concept to the dear people of Spain.
15. I pulled out 200 Euro's today.. this equaled $270 in The US.
16. Israel is currently friends of America (so I learned after meeting 2 Israelis on the Metra tonight)
17. Their idea of tortillas are a little different than mine.. but they are yummy just the same!:)
18. I love watching little Spanish birdies take baths in the fountains!
19. I am totally out of my comfort zone.. but... Spain is growing on me!!!!!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Everything I thought it would be.
This is my second day in Spain in which I think I may have been asleep more time than I have been awake. Jet lag and me are not friends. But yesterday, I was able to see a couple of cute little towns outside of Madrid. Alcala is one of them (the other one, I can't pronounce yet.. but I'll get it!) Everything looks as I imagined it. Spain is a beautiful country where the buildings are very European and just have this look to them that continues to remind me I'm not in America. If that didn't remind me, the fact that I pretty much have no idea what people around me are saying serves as a constant reminder (my Spanish is very poor!) I am learning from the missionaries of the likes and dislikes of Spainards, what they hold important and how some of them see the world. Tonight I may be going downtown Madrid which is where their ministry is. I have heard alot about it and am excited to actually see it first hand.
Jesus, just break me of my current ideas and opinions. I want to see people the way you see them. As I take captive my thoughts, I pray you will captivate my heart and mind as well so that I may grow closer to you and be so filled with love that I have no choice but to let that love overflow!
Jesus, just break me of my current ideas and opinions. I want to see people the way you see them. As I take captive my thoughts, I pray you will captivate my heart and mind as well so that I may grow closer to you and be so filled with love that I have no choice but to let that love overflow!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Such a Love I Can't Escape
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalm 139:8-10
No matter how much I may doubt it, I can try to reason all day long.. but He sees me no matter where or who I am. He is there to guide me and hold me in His precious arms.
I love the comfort and security I find in this promise!
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalm 139:8-10
No matter how much I may doubt it, I can try to reason all day long.. but He sees me no matter where or who I am. He is there to guide me and hold me in His precious arms.
I love the comfort and security I find in this promise!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
My New Normal
I am graduating in 4 weeks from a school where I have grown in every single aspect of my life. I am leaving the school I have come to love with people whom I also love. A place of security and comfort.. This is a change I have tried to prepare myself for, but cannot be completely sure that is happening. On top of this my family faces new challenges as my little brother fights cancer, a life change no one can possibly prepare for. Uncertainty seems to define my life right now and I find myself fighting a lot of things I have never had to wrestle with before. Will these things make me stronger? I hope so.. Does that make it any easier? Not one bit..
Life brings us new normals. We adjust to them because we have no other choice...
Life brings us new normals. We adjust to them because we have no other choice...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I Really Do Want You!
No matter how many boulders want to roll on top of me, no matter how many times I may be confused and take the wrong trail, no matter how many unwanted turns there may be, there is one thing I am completely confident in and that is the faithfulness of my God.
I use songs alot as examples for situations I may be going through and I intently listen to lyrics of songs and find connections with them. I love music and I love the art of expressing something lyrically. Most of all, I love using music to express my deep love and admiration to my savior. But sometimes when I hear songs that have lyrics like "You are all I want" or "all I need" I have a hard time actually singing those words to God, because I consciously have to decide if He is really all that I want in that moment. I start thinking about how I really want to get a good grade on this test, or how I really just need to clean my room. Sorry God, but there is alot on my mind and to be honest, you're not all that I need or want right now.
But sometimes, and it is in those sometime moments that I realize His faithfulness to me, He really is the only thing I want. In those moments I recognize that He is the only thing I need. I need to know He loves me. I need to know He hears me. I long for the comfort I find in Him and to sense His very presence there with me. I want Him more than I want to live another day.
I love these moments. I love it when I realize what is most important... to take a break from the constant "to do" list and just sit at His feet and try to feel the beating of His heart. I get so caught up in what my society tells me I need to do. I rush through things so that I can get to the next "thing" when really the only "thing" I need is to acknowledge the desire my creator has to be with me. To realize that those "sometime" moments are all the time for God. He always wants me to be His and only His, he always wants to be with me and for me to acknowledge His presence.
Even when I don't feel Him, He is there. Even when I don't acknowledge Him, He is there. But oh it is ever so much better when I realize it!
I use songs alot as examples for situations I may be going through and I intently listen to lyrics of songs and find connections with them. I love music and I love the art of expressing something lyrically. Most of all, I love using music to express my deep love and admiration to my savior. But sometimes when I hear songs that have lyrics like "You are all I want" or "all I need" I have a hard time actually singing those words to God, because I consciously have to decide if He is really all that I want in that moment. I start thinking about how I really want to get a good grade on this test, or how I really just need to clean my room. Sorry God, but there is alot on my mind and to be honest, you're not all that I need or want right now.
But sometimes, and it is in those sometime moments that I realize His faithfulness to me, He really is the only thing I want. In those moments I recognize that He is the only thing I need. I need to know He loves me. I need to know He hears me. I long for the comfort I find in Him and to sense His very presence there with me. I want Him more than I want to live another day.
I love these moments. I love it when I realize what is most important... to take a break from the constant "to do" list and just sit at His feet and try to feel the beating of His heart. I get so caught up in what my society tells me I need to do. I rush through things so that I can get to the next "thing" when really the only "thing" I need is to acknowledge the desire my creator has to be with me. To realize that those "sometime" moments are all the time for God. He always wants me to be His and only His, he always wants to be with me and for me to acknowledge His presence.
Even when I don't feel Him, He is there. Even when I don't acknowledge Him, He is there. But oh it is ever so much better when I realize it!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
I think, therfore I am.
I will probably end up deleting this post later.
But I feel like writing down a few things that I think..
So.. here goes...
I think that birds of a feather definitely flock together!
I think that guys who are in their 30's and up and still work out are pretty cool.
I think that some people are really made to be together. No names.. but there is this professor.. and him and his wife had to be a match made in heaven.
I think it is kinda funny when you find out that quite a few people thought you were a couple with someone cuz you hung out in the lobby with them.
I think that it is really cool when I see people that I know in the Evangel adds in the TPE.
I think that Jenna.. the OA on duty with me has really cute shoes.
I think I need to fast facebook.. I get on it way too much.. or maybe I just need self-control.
I think it is sad that we have RA interviews during Mr. EU.
I think my current obsession with working out is quite fun.
I think I need to stop having senioritis.. at least for 3 more months.
If I think of anything else I will put it here.
But I feel like writing down a few things that I think..
So.. here goes...
I think that birds of a feather definitely flock together!
I think that guys who are in their 30's and up and still work out are pretty cool.
I think that some people are really made to be together. No names.. but there is this professor.. and him and his wife had to be a match made in heaven.
I think it is kinda funny when you find out that quite a few people thought you were a couple with someone cuz you hung out in the lobby with them.
I think that it is really cool when I see people that I know in the Evangel adds in the TPE.
I think that Jenna.. the OA on duty with me has really cute shoes.
I think I need to fast facebook.. I get on it way too much.. or maybe I just need self-control.
I think it is sad that we have RA interviews during Mr. EU.
I think my current obsession with working out is quite fun.
I think I need to stop having senioritis.. at least for 3 more months.
If I think of anything else I will put it here.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I Believe..Even if its Just a Dream.
I write about this alot.. I know.. but it is something that is almost always on my mind.. mainly because it is so imperative right now. I have started looking forward to graduation quite a bit. However, only under the condition that I am able to stay in Springfield. I am simply not ready to leave this place and all of the wonderful people that I have been privileged to know and love. My class isn't graduating until 2010. My favorite friend in the whole world has signed a contract with St. Johns that will keep her here for at least 4 more years. I have other friends who have graduated and have also stayed in town.
Then there is home. The only thing there is my family. I love them.. but I do not have any desire to go back and struggle tremendously to find a job. Michigan's economy is the worst.. and I have a hard time even entertaining the idea of going back to that beloved little town of 1260 people. However, I can look forward to visiting that place that has a special place in my heart. And.. of course.. Probably one of the most beautiful things that God ever created... Lake Michigan!
But.. the police department here is not currently hiring.. and unless they pass this tax increase in June.. won't even be having an academy this year.
This is okay with me. I do want to do that sometime eventually.. but I will be just as content working for the state in other areas.. such as working with juveniles.. working in probation and parole.. doing social work things... My only criteria is that I will be helping people and it will be a place where God will be able to use me.
Ultimately, I want God's will more than anything.
Other positives to graduation:
I am going to spend 64 days in Spain. This is amazing and I love looking forward to that.
I am going to start making money.
I will not have to write long ridiculious papers any longer (Well.. until grad school at least)
I will be forced to face a fear of mine...growing up.
I will get to go put into practice everything I have learned here at Evangel.
I will get bigger and better opportunities to do what I was born to do.. love and help people.
I will have money to support a huge passion of mine.. missions.
I will have more time to get involved at church.. and to do things for leisure.. like read..and scrapbook..
I will dedicate some of my time to improving my skills on the guitar.
I will join the elite group of Evangel alumni.
Wow..
I think this step will take me right into my mission field, give me opportunities to pursue other things I can't at the present moment, and begin a completely new stage in my life. I can do this!
Then there is home. The only thing there is my family. I love them.. but I do not have any desire to go back and struggle tremendously to find a job. Michigan's economy is the worst.. and I have a hard time even entertaining the idea of going back to that beloved little town of 1260 people. However, I can look forward to visiting that place that has a special place in my heart. And.. of course.. Probably one of the most beautiful things that God ever created... Lake Michigan!
But.. the police department here is not currently hiring.. and unless they pass this tax increase in June.. won't even be having an academy this year.
This is okay with me. I do want to do that sometime eventually.. but I will be just as content working for the state in other areas.. such as working with juveniles.. working in probation and parole.. doing social work things... My only criteria is that I will be helping people and it will be a place where God will be able to use me.
Ultimately, I want God's will more than anything.
Other positives to graduation:
I am going to spend 64 days in Spain. This is amazing and I love looking forward to that.
I am going to start making money.
I will not have to write long ridiculious papers any longer (Well.. until grad school at least)
I will be forced to face a fear of mine...growing up.
I will get to go put into practice everything I have learned here at Evangel.
I will get bigger and better opportunities to do what I was born to do.. love and help people.
I will have money to support a huge passion of mine.. missions.
I will have more time to get involved at church.. and to do things for leisure.. like read..and scrapbook..
I will dedicate some of my time to improving my skills on the guitar.
I will join the elite group of Evangel alumni.
Wow..
I think this step will take me right into my mission field, give me opportunities to pursue other things I can't at the present moment, and begin a completely new stage in my life. I can do this!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Because Everyone Else is Doing It...
Last summer I did an internship with a police department outside Detroit. It was 150 hours riding along with middle aged men. Some of them creepy, some of them weird, and some who I had way too much fun with. That experience made me realize I could never marry a cop..mainly because most of them were cheating or had cheated on their wives.. Anyways.. The traffic unit was my favorite. Those guys were real with me right off the bat and I have a sincere appreciation for genuine people. They made no effort to cover up their laziness and the easiness of their job. Some nights they wrote their tickets in a couple hours then ordered pizza and went back to the station and watched a movie. But these guys filled me in on everyone. They gave me the low down on anyone I had worked with and anyone I would. They told me about this one officer who was really preachy. He talked about his Christianity openly and made no secrets about his faith. However, this guy had an evident problem with pornography and was also very open about his attraction to other women, even though he was married with two kids and these other officers were very aware of that. To these men, this immediately discredited this guy. They probably would have been able to appreciate him and respect him had he not had this lust problem. There was another officer who told me he was a Christian. This was one sentence where he didn't use the f-bomb and a brief moment between his spits of chewing tobacco juice into his pop bottle (that was really nasty, btw!) You see, I understand grace and the obvious need these men have for it, but unfortunately, to many people in the world it appears as hypocrisy.
Of course, my faith too came up in many conversations. These men would ask me what the worst thing I had ever done was and the only thing I could come up with was that I toilet papered my principals house when I was a senior in high school (She was a good sport!) . I mean, I told them that I could be selfish and harsh sometimes and tried to show them that I have things I do struggle with.. but to them, they couldn't get past the fact that I have never used a swear word in my life. The down side of this, of course, is that I have never really felt like I had a testimony per say.
But..I have been thinking about this lately, and it made me realize the grace that God has on my life. As I was re-living some childhood experiences last night with some friends I started to realize that peer pressure has never been an issue for me. I was too stubborn to do anything because someone else wanted me to. My stubbornness has its downsides and those are always what I have focused on and tried to change, and rightfully so. But, maybe God is going to use this about me to reach people that others can't? I want to be real and connect with them, and through that my weaknesses may show through but maybe because the things I struggle with are so minuscule to people in the world, they will see past those and be able to see my savior? Maybe as I reflect grace upon them they will see the genuineness in that.. I sure hope so anyway.. because it would be really great to see God work through this weakness of mine and use it to somehow.. maybe?
Of course, my faith too came up in many conversations. These men would ask me what the worst thing I had ever done was and the only thing I could come up with was that I toilet papered my principals house when I was a senior in high school (She was a good sport!) . I mean, I told them that I could be selfish and harsh sometimes and tried to show them that I have things I do struggle with.. but to them, they couldn't get past the fact that I have never used a swear word in my life. The down side of this, of course, is that I have never really felt like I had a testimony per say.
But..I have been thinking about this lately, and it made me realize the grace that God has on my life. As I was re-living some childhood experiences last night with some friends I started to realize that peer pressure has never been an issue for me. I was too stubborn to do anything because someone else wanted me to. My stubbornness has its downsides and those are always what I have focused on and tried to change, and rightfully so. But, maybe God is going to use this about me to reach people that others can't? I want to be real and connect with them, and through that my weaknesses may show through but maybe because the things I struggle with are so minuscule to people in the world, they will see past those and be able to see my savior? Maybe as I reflect grace upon them they will see the genuineness in that.. I sure hope so anyway.. because it would be really great to see God work through this weakness of mine and use it to somehow.. maybe?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
At the Bottom of the Sea
The story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8 has given me complete confidence in the grace of my God. That grace that Jesus showed to that woman gives us a glimpse into His heart. He stood in the way of her condemnation. He was her only way out.
I remember sharing this story last year when I had the opportunity, through the jail ministry at my church, to speak to a group of women in the Greene County Jail. As I shared this, these women obviously in a pretty desperate place, listened intently as I read those freeing words that Jesus spoke to that woman "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Several of them fighting tears upon being reminded that Jesus would say the same to them. They faced a realization that Jesus took on all of their wrongs and sins, things that they couldn't hide from. They messed up and are living out the consequences in green uniforms, white socks, and brown rubber sandals. But nonetheless, Jesus' grace is the same in there as it is out here. I, myself, had to fight back tears as I too had this realization. I need God's grace just as much as each of them do. The only difference is, I can hide my faults a lot of times and I can easily forget how much I need Him. These women are reminded every day when they wake up behind steal bars that their only hope is in Jesus.
Another concept I have a hard time wrapping my mind around is that Jesus forgets my sins when I ask Him to. He doesn't even know that I did them. It is unfortunate that I remember each of them vividly. I am again brought back to these women in the jail. They are living in jail because of their sins. How could they forget them? But yet, some of them spoke up and shared their hope in the salvation that Jesus gave them and the mercy they have to live in. It is the only way they are able to function every day.
I want that desperation. I want to need Him to function. Just to get through each hour of the day. I want to embrace His forgiveness and live in it everyday. I also want that compassion that Jesus has. That I can see a beating heart and life worth loving through a woman's scarlet letter of adultery or through steal bars of a jail. His love is unchanging and unconditional. I want to mirror this!
I remember sharing this story last year when I had the opportunity, through the jail ministry at my church, to speak to a group of women in the Greene County Jail. As I shared this, these women obviously in a pretty desperate place, listened intently as I read those freeing words that Jesus spoke to that woman "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Several of them fighting tears upon being reminded that Jesus would say the same to them. They faced a realization that Jesus took on all of their wrongs and sins, things that they couldn't hide from. They messed up and are living out the consequences in green uniforms, white socks, and brown rubber sandals. But nonetheless, Jesus' grace is the same in there as it is out here. I, myself, had to fight back tears as I too had this realization. I need God's grace just as much as each of them do. The only difference is, I can hide my faults a lot of times and I can easily forget how much I need Him. These women are reminded every day when they wake up behind steal bars that their only hope is in Jesus.
Another concept I have a hard time wrapping my mind around is that Jesus forgets my sins when I ask Him to. He doesn't even know that I did them. It is unfortunate that I remember each of them vividly. I am again brought back to these women in the jail. They are living in jail because of their sins. How could they forget them? But yet, some of them spoke up and shared their hope in the salvation that Jesus gave them and the mercy they have to live in. It is the only way they are able to function every day.
I want that desperation. I want to need Him to function. Just to get through each hour of the day. I want to embrace His forgiveness and live in it everyday. I also want that compassion that Jesus has. That I can see a beating heart and life worth loving through a woman's scarlet letter of adultery or through steal bars of a jail. His love is unchanging and unconditional. I want to mirror this!
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